Aphrodite's Advice
an advice column for all your healthy relationship needs
By: Gargi Rakhade (she/her)
Dear Aphrodite, |
Dear conflicted and confused, I totally understand why you would feel so confused in this moment. It sounds a lot like you’re being gaslighted by your partner, so unfortunately, I think your friends may be right. Gaslighting can come in so many different forms and can be so subtle and hard to notice, and that's why it is so dangerous and such a difficult cycle to get out of. A few of the warning signs that I noticed was the fact that you both got super close, super fast, which is often known as “love bombing”. A fast moving relationship can be fine if it feels right, but If your partner is seeking to isolate you with the fierceness of their affections, it can be seen as a red flag. Also, psychologists find that spending too much time with your partner can make you lose your sense of self and your support systems. Taking space and time for yourself in a relationship is healthy, and it is important to pay attention to how your partner responds when you do. For example, if they guilt-trip you or get angry when you try to take time away from them, those behaviors could point to possessiveness, which is very toxic. Remember to check in with your body: if you feel anxious about your partner moving at a high speed, intensity, or getting more possessive, trust your gut. It’s probably a sign to pump the brakes, examine where your feeling is coming from, and take some time away from your partner to reflect on whether this relationship is healthy to continue or not. Xoxo, Aphrodite |
Dear Aphrodite, |
Dear Royal Screw Up, Honey, I need you to know that you are NOT a royal screw up, you're just being ROYALLY GASLIGHTED. Gaslighting is emotional manipulation where your partner twists reality, making you doubt your perceptions through denial or by blaming you, and it's not only abusive, but also very difficult to identify. The gaslighter usually ends up using the victim’s vulnerabilities against them, making the victim believe that they are to blame for whatever the problem is, which makes it difficult to identify whether a problem actually exists. Gaslighting is distinct from genuine disagreement, because only one of you is listening and considering the other’s perspective, while the other side is negating your perception, insisting that you are wrong or telling you that your emotional reaction is crazy/dysfunctional. Because gaslighting can leave you second-guessing yourself, many psychologists advise seeking the support of people who make you feel safe—like a therapist or trusted loved one—to discuss what you’re feeling and get more clarity on your partner’s behavior. And honestly, it may be hard, but a lot of the times the best answer is to try to walk away from the relationship while continuing to lean on your support systems. Some relationships just can not be remedied and that's okay; you need to make sure you're trusting your gut and doing what's best for you in the long run even though it may hurt now. Xoxo, Aphrodite |
Dear Aphrodite, |
Dear Intensely Insecure, I just want to start off by saying a few things that I know may feel unbelievable right now, but I hope you learn to find comfort in them. I know I haven't seen how you look, but I know that you are beautiful; so so so beautiful. I know this because everyone is so incredibly beautiful, and I truly mean that. We each have features that are our own; they belong to us and are what make us unique and distinctive— they make us who we are. No one is not beautiful, it's just social media and beauty standards that force us to feel as if we aren't. In the age of social media and the intense societal pressures we have to look a certain way, I understand why you may feel so self critical and awful about yourself, but what you need to remember is that these stupid beauty standards were literally created just to make people feel bad about themselves, so that they go and buy products (which by the way, don't do ANYTHING) for companies to profit. These beauty standards are so ingrained in our society that it feels like there is no escape to them. However, there is a way out: confidence and self security. Obviously this is not easy, it's a long process to feel truly confident and secure in the way you look, but all good things take time. It's okay to start off small, because every small step is a step forward in the right direction. Try this exercise: the next time you start feeling a negative thought about yourself, follow it up with a positive thought about yourself. Even if you may feel weird to compliment yourself because it is unnatural or you simply don’t believe what you’re saying, it’s a way to train your mind until you start believing it. Another trick I like to use is starting the day off with a positive affirmation and similar intention to follow for that day. I might be unsuccessful and not follow through on the intention some days, but that's okay, because at least I tried. Eventually you will get into the habit and get more used to following these intentions, and you will start to actually believe these affirmations. Another thing I recommend is journaling out your thoughts, because this is a great short term stress reliever, as is leaning on your friends and family for support. Finally, I really recommend taking the time to take care of yourself and doing things that make you feel good, like a face mask, meditation, or just watching TV. Honestly do whatever self care means to you, as long as it makes YOU feel good. There’s often a sense of toxicity that comes when people practice self care- there’s the tendency to make it look aesthetic just for that perfect Instagram picture. But rather than being something that you stress yourself over, self care should be something that calms your mind and brings a sense of comfort back to you. It's not a long term solution --of course those take longer--, but it will keep your mind off the hurt for some time, and is a great first step to forming healthier coping skills instead of criticizing yourself and wallowing in self hatred. I know this will feel pointless and uncomfortable at first, but trust me, it takes time. Just remember that you are so beautiful, this is something you will constantly have to work towards, and the way you look is the absolute least interesting thing about you. You are so much more, and worth so much more than simply your appearance, and I hope that one day you learn to see the beautiful person that I, and everyone around you sees as well. Xoxo, Aphrodite, |
gargi is a junior at Bellaire high school, and the advocacy coordinator for girl up Houston!